more detailed blog post as promised
i'll just be talm bout stuff
after the last post i got messages telling me i've got talent, i don't want this to be somewhere i post stuff to get empathy
it's nice and all but i feel like i'm using people to inflate my ego or something
i know i'm the ultimate hypocrite but please, do as i say, not as i do, i'm not a good example
i do not care for reel spam, i won't send you 40 reels, so i expect to not be sent 40 reels. i won't, i can't respond to all of them; they simply don't add anything to a conversation
don't just send me reels and expect a conversation to spark up
i hate my body, i hate how weak i am; i hate my body, i hate how frail and skinny i am; i HATE my body, i despise my form, this.. shell of what i could be, if only i hadn't been born where i am
why do bad things happen to good people? how is it that whilst pedophiles rule the world, i see people dear to me (and others) rot away, alone, in their homes?
my wrath, my hate is not often expressed as i like to portray more positive emotions, i don't want others to bear my burdens. i only tell people about my troubles if they inquire, if they WANT to hear my stories
i've noticed a lot of people open up to me for some reason, from real life friends to people online i've barely messaged, i feel like a sponge, soaking up people's life stories
i've come to accept my role as pseudotherapist, makes me feel good, makes others feels good, i like making others feel good
almost all of the people irl who have helped me were women, am i wrong for wanting to be one too? to be trans? i honestly don't know if that's a genuine want of mine, or a product of my fetishized thoughts
i don't want to claim i'm trans or anything because i'm not sure if it's just my weird ass mtf kink manipulating my search for happiness into a search for pleasure
i'm so tired
so so tired
i wish i could go back
and pay attention to the people
keep the vids quick and simple
maybe my views would still track
i thought i was on top of the world back when i made my first few vids, always popping off, just having fun and it working
things have changed, having fun no longer works
and to anyone saying "just do what you like", know i've tried and it just doesn't pay off
what do you think is more validating? 800 views on a video i enjoyed making, or 130k on a stupid meme?
personally, i'd go for the latter
para out